We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a
taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The
cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat
shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi,
while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in
the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to
say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I
took so long," I said, as we drove away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying #@!% YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
Alrighty Yall Be Careful out there
__________________ If You Wont Stand Behind OUR TROOPS please feel free to stand in front of them
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We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!
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10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM Goodwrench paint scheme
9. The deceased is referred to as being "out of provisionals"
8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch
7. "Amazing Grace" is performed by a 9-year-old girl from Bristol, Tennessee
6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession
5. Hearse referred to as the pace car
4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
2. First time mourners have an orange stripe on the trunk of their car
and the number one sign you're at a NASCAR funeral:
1. No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel
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1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
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3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
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22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?
__________________
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Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
omg bk that is tooo funny!
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A Redneck Computer Geek
You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if.......
* If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
* Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
* Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.
* Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
* Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
* Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
* Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
* Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
* Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
* Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
* Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
* Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
* Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
* Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
* Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
* Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's.
* Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
* When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
* Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
* Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
* Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
* Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
* When ya tern yer computer on ya say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
* Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
* Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
* Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
* Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
* Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
* Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
* Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
* Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
* Ya think MB stands for "More Beer."
* Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
* Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
* Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
* Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
* Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
* Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous."
* Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free."
* Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
* Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
* Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.
* Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
* Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
* Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
* Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.
* Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
* Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
* Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
* Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
* Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
* Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, "My momma."
* You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
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An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.
"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"
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Unanswered Questions
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