Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat
and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes
and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get
up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get
it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe
and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe
and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this
go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN
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Ok.. I went through my long list of jokes and picked up some of the ones that i thought were ok... but.. since i'm new here... i dunno what's appropriate or not.... If these are too much... let me know and i'll tone it down a bit...
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! '' As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
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A Florida couple, Max and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex
therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
Max says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming,
wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
Max says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we
can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
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My turn:
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9
years
old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!*!*!*!*!
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Doug, the Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really b! ig!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size? and style?"
"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan
replied.........................From the floor ma'am... From the floor
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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it!
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A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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My Twisted Sense Of Humor...
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