Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
Mommy,That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?' He asked.
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now
she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?'
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
__________________
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There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
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The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers and we will never find out!
Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
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